Why do I feel so defeated, rudderless and ordinary?

 Who knew that looking through archived emails to clean them up would push me down an old and familiar rabbit hole, leaving me feeling sad and rudderless.

I read a beautiful email from a colleague, who had experienced some of the same trainings I had, and his experiences through and since then. It was a magical enlightened journey for him. I attended a provider evening at another colleague's office and met many wonderful people.

Why am I telling you this? Well, both of these events led to me waking up this morning and thinking about my childhood and how I survived abuse and trauma by believing that there was so much more to my life, that I was special and would do wonderful meaningful things for humanity in my life, however upon  reflection this morning, I came to feel that there is nothing special about me, that I am ordinary and without purpose and as yet, have not really done any big things to impact humanity. To help all to awaken to love and create Utopia (my dream) And also that there are so many truly special and gifted people out there and around me. People whom I feel are doing great service to humanity. The comparison made me feel sad, rudderless and totally defeated. 

I am surrounded by these amazing practitioners and people who are living their purpose and doing so many wonderful things and, in my eyes, impacting the world. What the hell am I doing?

You can now see that I went deeply into a dark space within myself. Questioning, doubting and over analyzing everything. 

I feel like I am half ass-sing everything in my life. My work in health care, my fitness/balance teaching, my mindfulness practice. Am I really committed? Is that why my purpose is not revealing itself to me. Could I be doing better, doing more? 

This feeling of inadequacy is not new to me. Every once in a while I look around and feel like a total imposter. I am seriously not as good or committed as all the people I admire and am surrounded by.

How strange we humans are when we look at ourselves and when we compare ourselves to others. We never seem to see our magnificence. I had to be reminded by those I love how blind I am.  We forget that it is truly the little things that matter. The one person who you touch with love and compassion. The one little thing you do to share love and be kind that ripples out and changes the energy in the world, to usher in the big changes.  Unfortunately we may never see how each sincere and heartfelt thing we do and say impacts those around us.

The positive of being surrounded by so many amazing people is that they actually think you are amazing too and they do not hesitate to tell you this or show you this when you crawl so deeply down the rabbit hole that you cannot see the light.

I guess I am sharing this to let everyone know that we all have moments of self doubt and feeling utterly helpless/hopeless, defeated or just 'why am I here'. And to let you know that you may not see the small and miraculous ways in which you are serving humanity and earth. I certainly don't and definitely did not this morning during my rabbit hole excursion.

To me this experience was an unfamiliar, yet familiar feeling and by that I mean, it was familiar as I have felt like this before but, it was unfamiliar as I have never felt the true depth of sadness and loneliness of it as I did today. 

I am hoping, and on some level believing, that feeling this so deeply is a turning point, an opening to a shift, to something miraculous waiting to enter? To a deeper awareness that being me may just be enough. That sharing my heart and love for myself and humanity is enough.

I had to get up, move my body, receive the love from my husband and my amazing friend and get out in nature to shift the energy.

Do I feel better? Certainly after writing this, I have more clarity. (thanks Kimberley for suggesting that...everyone needs a great friend like her) Am I still rudderless? Somewhat. Does my life have meaning? Absolutely.

And the fact that I may not know my purpose, just means that I have a burning question for the Universe in my daily meditations and mindfulness practice...

How can I help humanity and the earth more? Show me the way!

Are you returning the favor?

 This was interesting for me to ponder recently. I was experiencing some emotional upheaval and dis-regulation. We sometimes go through these clearing phases where everything feels overwhelming and I could have cried at the drop of a hat.

I am always there for any friends or family that need a shoulder to cry on or needs to vent or just have someone to listen without judgement or need to fix anything. (women will understand this) and it occurred to me that I am not as readily open to allowing those friends to return the favor. I tend to seclude myself when I am going through some emotional struggles and I do not always reach out for that shoulder or loving ear.

That is why I ask, are you open to returning the favor.

Our friends and family wish to be there for us too. They will lovingly listen and offer kind words and friends will be ready with some hard hitting wisdom.

It made me think about what this resistance to open up says about me...why do I behave this way?

Could it be that I have some underlying beliefs around self worth? Do I not feel deserving? Is it fear of being vulnerable or do I not believe that anyone has earned the right to hear my deepest darkest fears, thoughts and challenges?

And if I think the last statement is true then why have I not cultivated such a tribe?

I am grateful for the friends that I can turn to (you know who you are) and for their wisdom and for never being afraid to tell me the truth even when it is uncomfortable to hear and to offer a change in perspective whenever I need it.

Thinking about all of this and looking deeper within has also helped me get out of my funk and given me new motivation to create the life and community I desire and to create more health, happiness and joy, not just for myself, for all whom I associate and commune with. It has also made me look at how i treat myself and ask the question, am I a friend to myself? am I gentle and nurturing to myself?

Am I returning the favor....I may not have been as open to doing so in the past and with greater awareness of this, I am choosing to be open to returning the favor when needed. I am open to receive.