Who knew that looking through archived emails to clean them up would push me down an old and familiar rabbit hole, leaving me feeling sad and rudderless.
I read a beautiful email from a colleague, who had experienced some of the same trainings I had, and his experiences through and since then. It was a magical enlightened journey for him. I attended a provider evening at another colleague's office and met many wonderful people.
Why am I telling you this? Well, both of these events led to me waking up this morning and thinking about my childhood and how I survived abuse and trauma by believing that there was so much more to my life, that I was special and would do wonderful meaningful things for humanity in my life, however upon reflection this morning, I came to feel that there is nothing special about me, that I am ordinary and without purpose and as yet, have not really done any big things to impact humanity. To help all to awaken to love and create Utopia (my dream) And also that there are so many truly special and gifted people out there and around me. People whom I feel are doing great service to humanity. The comparison made me feel sad, rudderless and totally defeated.
I am surrounded by these amazing practitioners and people who are living their purpose and doing so many wonderful things and, in my eyes, impacting the world. What the hell am I doing?
You can now see that I went deeply into a dark space within myself. Questioning, doubting and over analyzing everything.
I feel like I am half ass-sing everything in my life. My work in health care, my fitness/balance teaching, my mindfulness practice. Am I really committed? Is that why my purpose is not revealing itself to me. Could I be doing better, doing more?
This feeling of inadequacy is not new to me. Every once in a while I look around and feel like a total imposter. I am seriously not as good or committed as all the people I admire and am surrounded by.
How strange we humans are when we look at ourselves and when we compare ourselves to others. We never seem to see our magnificence. I had to be reminded by those I love how blind I am. We forget that it is truly the little things that matter. The one person who you touch with love and compassion. The one little thing you do to share love and be kind that ripples out and changes the energy in the world, to usher in the big changes. Unfortunately we may never see how each sincere and heartfelt thing we do and say impacts those around us.
The positive of being surrounded by so many amazing people is that they actually think you are amazing too and they do not hesitate to tell you this or show you this when you crawl so deeply down the rabbit hole that you cannot see the light.
I guess I am sharing this to let everyone know that we all have moments of self doubt and feeling utterly helpless/hopeless, defeated or just 'why am I here'. And to let you know that you may not see the small and miraculous ways in which you are serving humanity and earth. I certainly don't and definitely did not this morning during my rabbit hole excursion.
To me this experience was an unfamiliar, yet familiar feeling and by that I mean, it was familiar as I have felt like this before but, it was unfamiliar as I have never felt the true depth of sadness and loneliness of it as I did today.
I am hoping, and on some level believing, that feeling this so deeply is a turning point, an opening to a shift, to something miraculous waiting to enter? To a deeper awareness that being me may just be enough. That sharing my heart and love for myself and humanity is enough.
I had to get up, move my body, receive the love from my husband and my amazing friend and get out in nature to shift the energy.
Do I feel better? Certainly after writing this, I have more clarity. (thanks Kimberley for suggesting that...everyone needs a great friend like her) Am I still rudderless? Somewhat. Does my life have meaning? Absolutely.
And the fact that I may not know my purpose, just means that I have a burning question for the Universe in my daily meditations and mindfulness practice...
How can I help humanity and the earth more? Show me the way!
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