I open my eyes and I am shocked. I am shocked to see the expression on the face of one who is supposed to be excited for my arrival. I am shocked to see no love from the one who carried me. My tiny being does not comprehend all of this. All I feel is the lack of warmth, love and comfort. I feel cold and alone, so different than the space I came from, and I don't mean your womb!
I remember the trauma and then just as quickly it is gone, submerged deep into my psyche, to be expressed when least expected. To be expressed in so many unnatural and unhealthy ways.
It didn't take you long to verbalize what I saw upon opening my eyes for the first time, upon drawing my first breath...you didn't want me. "you are an unwanted child", you said.
Who does that, who says that to an innocent child? I don't know why it shocked me, again. Why it shook me to the core, why it broke my heart. I was in your body, I felt your hate, your pain, your emptiness. I knew, didn't I?
So many years and so much healing brought me back to those moments, the moments of birth and re-birth.
I finally felt the love of the Universe surround me, reminding me of my perfection, reminding me that I am enough. I felt the love of 'being' at the moment of my re-birth. Too many beautiful souls and too little good wombs to carry them, was what the healer told me. A statement that helped ease the moment and bring more peace and acceptance. A few words that explained a question haunting me about so much and so many.
I may never know why you didn't want me or want to love me. Why you saw me as a threat, as a presence that was taking something away from you, rather than as the bundle of love I was and am.
I may never know if this was truly all you felt because you left before we could heal this together.
What I do know is: I want me and that I love me.
Everyday I work at remembering and loving me more, loving unconditionally, and thus healing the wounds inflicted upon arrival. I work toward healing all our pain and emptiness, knowing that when I heal my wounds and expand my love and remember my perfection, I do it for all of us, including your energy here.
1 comment:
How many of "US" are out there, who've felt this, yet not been able to yet express these emotions AND BEAUTIFUL healing affirmations you have just put into words! Thank you Heidi, for saying what you have said! Perhaps those of us whom have had this unfortunate beginning & experienced this, can heal further! May this be a gift to those who were welcomed with love, to have better insight and new found understanding, compassion and empathy,for those who started life without it!
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