Tuesday, May 6, 2014

History is so 5 minutes ago...

She was seven and she sat there looking up at the woman who gave birth to her, the woman who was supposed to love and protect her, and this is what she heard, "I never wanted you, you are an unwanted child"

Whether that was really exactly what the mother said, we will never know. All that matters is that, that was exactly what the little girl heard and it changed her life for a very, very long time.

Today her mother is dead and has been for a few years. Actually her mother died on her husbands birthday. Guess that ensures that she will never forget the day her mother died. Is it poetic that she died the day that the love of her life celebrates his birthday? The man who changed her life yet again and who opened the heart that her mothers' lack of love closed.

Did her mother do the best she could with a heart that was also broken and closed and unable to love? When was the moment that her inner child broke? The moment her inner child shrunk away and hid from the world so far and deep that her grown self couldn't even reach her? Why did she never stop to take a long hard look at her life and decide that things needed to change to have a different outcome. Did the shattered heart of her child and the pain in her little girls eyes not remind her of her own shattered heart or even cause her enough remorse to stop and pay attention? Cause her to realize what she had said and created by her cruelty and inner pain.

I remember exactly when that moment was for me and made a conscious decision not to inflict that kind of pain on a child until I was whole and healthy and healed. Not until I knew how to open my heart and love. It took a lot of soul searching and alternative energy and healing therapies to find my inner child and convince her that it is safe to live and to love and that I will protect her and love her and never give up on her. But, I had to believe that myself first. Was I ready to be there for her and myself. Was I ready to open my heart and love myself unconditionally?
I had to, to help that little girl heal...to help my inner little girl heal and trust again.
She couldn't trust her mother, the one that birthed her and now here I am the one that is her...can she trust me, can I trust me?

Everyday is a journey towards that trust and unconditional love. Somedays I fail dismally and other days I'm whole, healed and happy.

My goal is to always know that I am whole, healed and happy and that nothing and no one defines me, that my history is just a story and I no longer have to be a part of it.
I write this to place it in a history book. The book of a little seven year olds life.
My seven year old and I are one and right now have no past, no history. We are safe, whole, happy and healed. So today is a good day!

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