Authenticity and I...

The meaning: genuineness, legitamacy...the quality of being believable or trustworthy

I had to face a shadow side to my authenticity. I found that deep dark, gnarly part of me called inauthentic and she was unrecognizable. I hid her so far and deep for so long that I couldn't recognize her. It was startling. How many times had I been inauthentic? Obviously many, many times, judging from the shadow I faced.

I desire to be authentic in all my dealings and to walk the path of that. However, can one truly always be authentic? Does society allow for this? Am I afraid?

The answer is yes, when we decide to chose that and no, society may not always be open to it and yes, I am afraid!

The dance of life and belonging is always interesting. We humans wish to belong and sometimes we compromise our own individuality and authenticity to do so. I am walking this path and watching myself. There are many days that I wonder who I am and what my purpose is and how am I supposed to show up in the world. I feel lost and unsure. I feel caught between who I chose to be and belonging.

I know on an intellectual level that I am love and divine and have even had real moments of feeling my divinity and the depth of love that I, and we all, are. I do however struggle to maintain that love and peace at all time and I guess that is the experience of life and what we are all here to learn and strive for?

AM I authentic? Do I always say what I mean and mean what I say? I know I am trust worthy. I have lost many friendships since moving to the USA and living in Minnesota, due to saying exactly what is on my mind and in my heart. People tell you that they want honesty but most cannot handle it. I do not say things to hurt anyone and most certainly do not wish anyone harm, however, saying too much has been taken in the wrong light by many.

It is interesting that most of us do not take a moment to check our own reactions to what is being offered in conversation as a gift. An opportunity to see what it is that is affecting us thusly. What is it showing us that needs to be healed, addressed and loved? A gift in the sense that we can shift, grow and change through the experience, through the emotions.

Holding space for each other to be authentic and honest without taking everything personally. I make a sincere effort to always look within when I feel an emotional response to another's comments or conversation. What is there to learn and see in all of this for me.

I also find that my circle is growing smaller and smaller and I tend to be quieter, more cautious and keep my opinion to myself. They are just opinions after all. 

It may serve us well to remember that we all have differing opinions and thoughts and beliefs and that they come from our own experiences and programming and maybe our reactions do too? Is our response coming from our true self or from communal programming? 

I am paying more attention to being authentic in all my days and ways, and I am being more compassionate and understanding when it is not received as intended. I am making sure  that I am  trustworthy in my own internal dialogue and promises. Too be trusted one must first trust one self and that builds when we do what we say we are going to do and act as we chose to act. (I am talking about those internal conversations and promises) I am training my brain and creating new programming. I am the master of my brain.