Sunday, May 13, 2018

A challenging mothers day....

Today I find it myself really examining this day of celebrating my mother. I have recently done even more healing around my feelings of anger, loss and longing around my mother.

She was never a loving and nurturing mother and my memories of my arrival upon this planet were clouded by shock. It was strangely shocking to discover that coming from peace and love, I arrived to a place where I was not really welcomed. My mother was in her own special place of pain and unhappiness and she did not welcome a little girl. These are the memories I have locked onto for too long. How is it that I only remember the disappointment I was to her for all her days? How can it be that all I remember are the negative emotions, the negative moments?

My healing challenges have been to release the anger and pain and know that she did the best she could and that my arrival really caused her more pain than joy. I needed to say sorry for causing her pain and for adding to her distress. I have spent time with my body and all the discomfort locked within my stomach caused by my pent up feelings towards my mother. It hurts and I have carried that pain around for long enough.

What a strange experience to apologize to her for causing her pain and to thank her for being my mom and for the lessons I learned from her. I chose not to have children because I did not wish to perpetuate the circle of pain and inadequacies I had experienced as a child. I did not wish to inflict my wounds and pain unto another little being and I did not feel healed enough to be a mother and love unconditionally. I have no idea how to do so with myself and is this not an indicator of my ability to do so with a child?

I'm not sure I made the right decision and now I must live with this choice without any anger towards my mother for the part she played in my decision. She was not the best example of a loving and nurturing mother and I guess I must be grateful as I was always clothed and fed and I always had a roof over my head even if I didn't always feel safe around her. Gratitude for she taught me how not to be yet I falter in this too.

I struggle with the emotional turmoil of loving her regardless of my pain and anger and disappointment. I struggle with total acceptance of the lack of love and nurturing I got from her. I am in the process of letting all those emotions flow through me for I must heal to move forward in power and love.

I am willing to be thankful for having her as my mother and for the gifts that brought. The clarity of that has not yet presented itself to me fully, yet I am willing to surrender because the weight of carrying all this anger and hurt and disappointment and longing around has become to heavy a burden to bear.

I must let go to gain strength and courage to move beyond the limitations of my mother.

So, as the world celebrates their mothers and most are thankful and swimming in a sea of joy and love, I slowly move towards acceptance and know that in this I will find the joy and love and finally release the pain I hold deep within my body.


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